


consulere

by kurgaya



Category: Naruto
Genre: Background Hatake Kakashi/Maito Gai | Might Guy - Freeform, Blank Period, Drabble, Everyone Is Gay, Humor, M/M, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 15:42:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16789882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurgaya/pseuds/kurgaya
Summary: Upon realising he may or may not have a crush, Naruto seeks Kakashi for advice. He probably shouldn't have done this in front of Sakura and Sai, and at Ramen Ichiraku's.[Note: Naruto's crush is left ambiguous (although it's a guy), hence why there's no tag].





	consulere

**Author's Note:**

> This is just so STUPID :D

“ _Sensei_ ,” Naruto says with a breath of wonder, the noodles in his chopsticks slopping back into his bowl. The ramen soup splashes over the counter and the _narutomaki_ in the bowl wobbles, just as unsure as the expressions on the rest of Team Seven's faces. “ _You're_ gay.”

He says this with a pure, unwavering astonishment, as though Kakashi's sexual preference hasn't been common knowledge between them for the last six years. Kakashi’s private life is certainly _private_ , but he’s never been particularly shy about his relationship with Gai. People were making conclusions about them long before they ever spoke anything about it. There isn’t any reason for Naruto to be struck by this knowledge _now_ , now when he’s known Kakashi (and Gai) for six years, and known that they’ve been _married_ for two.

On the other side of the counter, Teuchi makes a noise suspiciously like a laugh.

“Okay,” Kakashi says, with the tone of a man resigning himself to a terrible, _terrible_ mistake. “Know that whatever you're about to say, I'm not being paid enough for.”

Sakura snorts into her ramen.

“You're the Hokage,” Naruto says, another _fine_ observation. It really shows that Kakashi’s taught these kids a lot. “Don't you set your own wage?”

“Naruto, if I did, do you think I'd still be here?”

“Err, yes?”

Kakashi smiles. “That's cute,” he says, which can mean many things. For Naruto, it's usually _you're stupid_. He waves encouragingly, moving on before Naruto can _finally_ clue into this. “Come on then, what's this about me being gay?”

“Well,” Naruto begins, and then less confidently. “Well - I mean -”

He rolls his chopsticks between his fingers, staring into his ramen. It’s a behaviour so unlike him that Kakashi feels his eyebrows creep up, both of his normal, sharingan-less eyes widening. On Naruto’s other side, Sakura sets aside her chopsticks in preparation to punch out an explanation, and beside her, even Sai is watching closely, his eyes half-moons with happiness.

“I believe this may be a sign of Naruto's budding sexuality crisis,” Sai remarks from the end of the row.

Naruto colours as red as his ancestral hair. “I'm _not_ having a sexuality crisis!” he cries, halfway out of his stool. Their glasses and bowls rattle as he knees the counter, but Teuchi, long-since used to Team Seven’s dynamic, says nothing of the noise. Naruto jabs his chopsticks threateningly at Sai before Sakura yanks him back into his seat. He huffs, crossing his arms petulantly. “I would know if I was having a crisis. Right? Right, Kakashi-sensei -?”

“Oh my god,” says Sakura, which is what they’re all thinking, but Kakashi makes a pacifying motion before this can result in even more raised voices.

“Okay, okay, hold up,” he says, silencing his team. It's sweet how quickly they obey, even though they're all jōnin, chūnin, and adults alike. It seems he has to be the adult about this, though, and he puts on his calm face in the hope of preventing their resident jinchūriki from exploding. “Naruto, from the beginning. Sakura.”

“Sorry, sorry.” She muffles her snickering, looking no less entertained.

Naruto takes a deep breath. “Right, well, _someone_ \- I mean - it’s this guy -”

“It's a sexuality crisis,” Sakura blurts, and Sai surprises everyone by laughing.

“ _Guys_ ,” Naruto whines, resorting to a pout. “I’m trying to be _serious_.”

“All right, all right. Then tell me who,” Sakura demands, leaning in. Naruto looks reluctant to divulge this information but she grabs his collar and yanks him closer. “ _Who_?”

Naruto whispers a name. Kakashi pretends not to hear or know exactly who they're talking about.

Sakura's eyes boggle as she pulls away. “Are you _serious_? Come _on_ , we all know he’s hot. Except maybe Kakashi-sensei, because he’s married to Gai -”

“Oi.”

“But he’s straight, isn’t he?” Naruto asks, his voice wobbling. It’s by far the most pathetic he’s ever been, but Kakashi understands that hopeful question all too well.

“What?” Sakura’s laugh scares even the people in the shop across the street. “ _Straight?_ Oh my god, Naruto, where have you been _living_? I mean, sure, he’s the straightest gay man I’ve ever met and he’ll kill me for saying so -”

“As he should,” Kakashi grumbles.

“- but he’s definitely not into women. Trust me, if I was straight and he was straight, we’d be banging. But he’s not even into _Ino_ and she’s -”

“Really scary?” Naruto suggests, the point zipping over his head. How he’s preserved such a childish ignorance for so long is anyone’s guess. Kakashi almost feels bad for him, except listening to Sakura verbally shake some sense into Naruto is _hilarious_. There’s probably a reason that Naruto sought him for advice, and not Sakura, and Kakashi’s watching it play out before him.

“Uh, built like the _gods_ ,” Sakura corrects, incredibly gay and incredibly wishful as she sighs. “ _And_ she’s straight. Like - what the hell. She could top _me_ any day.”

“Wow, I’m learning things I really didn’t need to know today,” Kakashi despairs from the end of the row.

This doesn't even make Sakura blink. “You were eighteen once, sensei,” she say, as though the fact that he's over thirty is the reason he'd rather not be listening to this.

Kakashi rolls his eyes - both of them. It's still weird that he can't accidentally genjutsu people anymore. “When I was eighteen, I’d been ANBU for four years - which I didn’t leave until I was twenty-four, might I add.”

The kids are no more impressed by this than they were the first time he told them.

“Is that an implication that your sexual exploits in ANBU were few or numerous?” Sai asks, as straight-faced as ever even as Naruto tries to skewer him again.

“You can’t ask that!” Naruto cries, launching himself over the counter. This time, Sakura stops him by reaching up and snapping his chopsticks, and Naruto _shrieks_.

Unruffled, Sai whips out his notebook. It’s dogeared and ink-splattered and filled with scribbles all trying to make sense of his team, and he asks, “Are you not enquiring the same of -?”

“No!” Naruto interrupts, trying to smother Sai but also trying not to fall completely into Sakura’s lap. “That’s different! Kakashi-sensei is Kakashi-sensei!”

Kakashi has absolutely no idea how to take that. “Few, Sai,” he answers, laying a hand on Naruto’s shoulder to still him. Kakashi's used to Sai's tactless questions by now: he's ROOT (they both were, for a time); brutal forwardness is to be expected. He can’t be bothered to feel offended by something that many people have asked him before. “Non-existent, in fact. Naruto, please stop -” _Defending my honour?_ “- yelling. And sit down. There’s nothing wrong with trying… things… with your peers, okay?”

“Things,” Sakura echoes, smiling broadly.

“Sex,” Sai clarifies, because Naruto probably needs it.

Kakashi sighs, wishing Yamato was here to take some of the slack. Even after all these years, he still wonders what he’s done to deserve this team. “Yes, exactly. What was it you specifically wanted to ask me about?”

”Oh,” Naruto says: _oh_ , as though he could _possibly_ forget why Sakura and Sai are hounding him. “Well, I wanted to know how to know he was - you know - _interested_ , and how I'd know if _I_ was interested because he makes me feel kinda funny, but I guess you wouldn't know.”

“You -” It takes Kakashi a second to wrap his head around that. Naruto’s choice of words don’t exactly lend themselves to an apt description of how he’s feeling. “Why would I not -?”

“Because Maito Gai is your only sexual or romantic experience,” Sai hazards.

Sakura practically _howls_.

“That's - thank you for that, Sai,” Kakashi croaks. He scrubs a hand over his face, glad that his mask hides the worse of his blush. The problem is, he can’t dispute Sai’s claim. Before Gai, there was, well, _no-one_ , and his kids know it. Sai looks mighty pleased with himself, and Sakura has tears streaming down her face. Even Naruto is smiling more like his usual self now, happy not to be the target of the teasing anymore.

“Perhaps we shouldn’t be having this conversation here,” Kakashi tries.

“Trust me, I’ve heard worse,” Teuchi says. He replaces the chopsticks that Sakura broke and refills their water. Naruto hasn't yet returned to his ramen, and this seems to worry him. Maybe Naruto should be asking _Teuchi_ these questions, Kakashi thinks, just as Teuchi asks, “I mean no disrespect, Lord Sixth, but Naruto, why didn't you go to Iruka with these questions?”

Teuchi is a _genius_. Iruka is easily a more compassionate, _sane_ father figure to Naruto than Kakashi is. It would have made sense for Naruto to seek him out instead (for the same reason he sought Kakashi and more), except Naruto doesn’t seem to agree. His face scrunches in confusion, whisker-like marks pulling up.

“Iruka-sensei isn't gay.”

The silence is _telling_.

“Okay, you're just messing with me now,” Naruto accuses.

The following silence is even _more_ telling.

“Why don't you go and talk to him? I’m sure he’d be happy to help,” Kakashi asks, not ashamed to sick Naruto on some other poor, unsuspecting sod instead. Iruka isn't usually any of these things, but there's a first time for everything. Plus, it’ll save Kakashi from this train-wreck of a conversation, and he can return home and forget this ever happened. He loves his students, he really does, and he always feels ridiculously pleased whether they seek him out for advice. But Naruto is the _saviour of the world_ ; he should’ve had the foresight to ask Kakashi in _private_ \- to save them both from the embarrassment.

“I… should,” Naruto agrees, having gone back to staring at his ramen. He prods at it like a sulking puppy. “Should I have known that about Iruka-sensei?” he asks a noodle.

Teuchi and Sakura, _the cowards_ , immediately look to Kakashi for an answer.

“We’ll have the leftovers to go, please,” he says, taking the chopsticks from Naruto’s hands. Teuchi gathers up the bowls and switches everything into takeout containers. Kakashi lays a hand on Naruto’s shoulder and encourages the boy from his seat. “Come on, let’s go talk to Iruka-sensei. You can give me the details once we’ve got peace and quiet.”

He shepherds Naruto out onto the street and then looks pointedly back at his remaining two students. Sakura sticks out her tongue.

“Sensei, if I may ask,” Sai calls, pen poised over his notebook. “Considering that genin teams are often chosen in regards to a specialisation, does this make us ‘the gay team’?”

Okay, they’re absolutely, definitely, one-hundred percent leaving _right now_ , but Kakashi humours his student anyway, because he just can’t resist. “Maa, I think that’s a question for Sasuke, don’t you think?”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! All comments are appreciated :)


End file.
